How to Ride a Motorbike (Like a Tw*t)

Updated

Having spent more time than intended in North Goa I have seen my fair share of motorcycle twatiness. Apparently, this behaviour isn’t unique to Goa. In fact, all over Asia you will find backpackers being knobs on bikes. If you want to be a “somebody” whilst travelling, it’s essential you learn how to fit in. So here it is, a simple guide…

1. Less is more

At least in the way of clothing… Men, under no circumstances should you wear anything on your top half. The more six-pack and tattoos are on display, the better. Women, you might have to cover your nipples, but beyond that, as little as possible. You will have been told not to draw unwanted attention from the local men. However, as a motorbike dick head you need to undo some of this brainwashing. There is, after all, no such thing as unwanted attention.

2. Never wear a helmet

Failure to adhere to this rule will have you standing out like a sore thumb. You might get stopped and fined by the police if you go on one of the bigger roads. Win win. Bit in the pocket for the fuzz, another great story for you.

3. Wear headphones

Whether you choose to listen to banging psychedelic trance or some of your favourite affirmations (“I am a strong and confident motorbike twat”) is up to you. Nobody will ever hear what your listening to thanks to point 4.

4. Get the loudest bike you find

All other specs are of secondary importance. How much noise the bike makes is EVERYTHING!

5. Your knees should be spread as wide as is humanly possible

This is an important point. You want to give the impression that your genitalia is so unnaturally large that a normal angle of open-leggedness is simply impossible for you. Women, just imagine you were a man, how large would your genitalia be? Take it from there…

It may be necessary to work on some hip-openers to achieve the desired level of open-leggedness. If this is the case, make sure you do so in public, ideally on the beach. In Asia public displays of yoga ability are another important tool to strengthen your new identity as a Motorbike Dick-head.

6. Aim to stay on the wrong side of the road

Failing that, as close to the middle as you can.

7. Overtake on blind corners

What’s more, don’t leave it at that! Overtaking someone who is already overtaking somebody else is an opportunity never to be missed.

8. No footwear

This shows onlookers that you’re either nearing enlightenment, or hard as nails. Either way, they’ll be very very impressed.

9. The more passengers the better

Ideally you want to carry people that fit into one of two categories. Very attractive is one, small child is the other. If you opt for a child, make sure you let the world know you don’t take parenthood/childcare too seriously. Let them hang precariously off the side of the bike (into the traffic). If you stop to buy beers or rizlas, make sure you leave them sat on the bike, keys still in the ignition.

10. Off road like never before

Farmland, pavement, nothing’s out of bounds. Most importantly of all, you’ll want to ride along the beach and get a sunset-beach-bike selfie for Instagram, like a twat.

Congratulations!

You’re now ready to show the world your inner twat. Saddle up and rev until your ear drums pop, you’re good to go!

If for any reason you’d like to hire a bike and not be a twat about it, you might want to get insured. We always use World Nomads Travel Insurance

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